Stage: Anger

Some of you who's known me for at least 13 years know that my relationship with my father wasn't hunkey dory from the ages of 18-27. There was so much anger in that time. Abuse, loss of respect, and lots of anger. The last two from me. To me he was in so much denial of what went on in our household it frustrated me to no end.

Then my brother passed away. And my anger was at its height. I went back to the states with a major attitude. With everyone. My mother, father, brother, everyone. I wanted to know answers. I wanted a fucking apology, I just wanted people to own their shit. What is so hard about that? My father and I argued a lot. I found a new inner strength that was fearless that was once fear. I surprised many. But I felt like I was doing it for my brother. So I somehow found strength through him and was balls to wall. My parents weren't happy with me, but you know what? I got what I wanted. We all understood where the other was coming from. And from that we became really close through telephone conversations. We spoke frequently, civilly, and respectfully. The same love I had for my parents as child was rekindled and some. I planned to go to America to see my parents in May as we're in transient to our new home. And thought it will all be ok. Until, I received a couple Facebook messages....

When you see urgent messages living overseas, it makes you not want to even touch a phone. But I saw my mother called in the middle of the night and was only comfortable talking to her. And received the horrifying news that my dad was gone. Suddenly. Why so sudden? I don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I'm just happy he died knowing that I loved him with all my might. He wasn't perfect, what parent is????? But he was my daddy and I love him. I'm trying to stay focused on school. Last night I went to class and was sad the first half and the second half i put so much focus into my work that I forgot for a good 45 minutes.

Ok, on to the anger. My dad was always a loving very giving man. He also had a lot of anger and paranoia. He lost everything. His home, his wife, his children was all over the world. So of course he was depressed. His family took him, every time I spoke to him, he was somewhere new....and with that he didn't trust anyone. He just wanted his kids. But we were spread all over. Me in Germany, my brother in England, and my youngest brother in NC, SC, and Iraq. He so longed for his family to come back and that way he'd feel normal again. The way things were. But no one had the patience for him nor he had the patience for him. He always meant well with all his intentions. They used his past errors against him and he just wanted to face the world alone. I wish somehow he could have stayed with me. I am going home and I am feeling angry. Angry at everyone. Not my mother or brother, but everyone else. He often expressed his distrust for family, and I never understood until a couple months after leaving the states. Now I understand, you don't have to like your family, but you do love them, and he felt that way. No need for me to force him because that just made him angrier. So I learned to leave it alone. I just wish now he's at peace. He and my younger brother were often at odds and I really hope they settled it all and are at peace with one another. 

I am trying fight anger myself. Because I don't want to be angry my whole stay again. I just want to be a positive light for my mother. My youngest is coming with me. He's a mix of my brother and my father so my mom should have fun with that lol. I hope America is ready for him. 

Thanks for reading.

Berlin with the Family

Our first trip of 2013 is to one of my favorite cities, Berlin. While in my little Military dorm room 8.5 years ago, Berlin was one of THE cities in Europe I had to go to. Not just because it's in my host country, but it just seemed so busy, full of culture, young, alive. Everything I wanted from the city I'd choose as my residence. I did visit Berlin in 2011 with just me and the little ones, and we definitely saw the rich history and the quaintness as well as its eclectic characters whom loves my little characters. This city has so much to offer. Museums, Aquariums, Playgrounds everywhere, indoor parks and of course one of the most famous zoos in the world for children and children at heart, to art (on one of our walks we saw at least 3 art galleries full of people) fashion (we happened to be there for Berlin's Fashion Week), environmental conscious, full of universities and research facilities, not to mention an alive nightlife, delicious food, all while not putting a big hurt on your wallet.

 As I went with the kids some of the adult-things I didn't do. This is a great city for a romantic/fun weekend for sure! We  stayed next to Checkpoint Charlie for 3 cold, sunny, fast-paced days. We ate very well, and did a lot of exploring. With families I highly recommend tour buses, especially during the cold months. Most public transports are stroller friendly. In the year and half since we last visited, I noticed more elevators on the ubahns! Not to mention, from our personal experience, we noticed most people were family friendly as well as the establishments we went to. Berlin is definitely pro family!

Ok on to photo and video-palooza

We went to about 5 restaurants, but the video shows two of our favorites and our Starbucks breakfast with the best cheese cake! The first restaurant we went to on the first night is called Glashaus Restaurant in Kreuzberg Berlin. It was soooooooo good. I got sauteed shrimp with tomatoes and lettuce. Normally whenever I order shrimp, for some reason it tastes off. But this shrimp tasted fresh and DELICIOUS. My husband got a Epigram which was a trio of meat. Liver, Pork schnitzel and steak, my daughter got a Berlin Currywurst, my son got steak with potato croquettes and green beans. The service was amazing and it's forever in my kiddos memories. They talk about it everyday!

Photobomb!

We also went to a Chinese Restaurant in Charlottenburg. In Berlin Chinese restaurants have buffet specials after 6 (from what I saw the last 2 times I was there). On our previous visit, me and my three went to a great restaurant with a nice buffet and great service. We were going to go there, but went to another as it was so cold and we didn't want to walk too far. Turns out we made a great choice. Kids loved it so much and again friendly service and a great view.
Here's a video of the fun

Eating In Berlin from Sommer Jones on Vimeo.

Some Pictures:



This picture was taken across the street from our apartment. Which is close to many famous landmarks and the subway station (ubahn). At a great rate we stayed comfortably at a wonderful location. Checkout the website if you're planning a trip http://www.go-apartments.com/




The famous Aquadom


Inside the Aquadom. First you go to the Sea Life Aquarium then to the Aquadom in the building across. Inside the Aquadom, the guide speak about facts about the Aquadom all in German, though. But it's pretty cool to be "inside" amongst the fish.



Berlin Wall Memorial--Also apart of the city guide hop on and off bus!  Which is good for 48 hours like London's.








Inside this tower is a revolving restaurant! Someday!




 Check out my Flickr page, easily accessible from my sidebar for more pictures!!!!

Dunkin Donuts! How can I forget!!! They are all over Berlin!

Oh and we also ate at a Mediterranean restaurant across the street from our apartment Called Mediterranean Kuche!




We LOVE Berlin and it gets better with each visit!!! So go as many times as you can!

Also Grumpy kid on a bus:-)

My worries.....

I sit here at this computer. "Butterflies" are break dancing in my stomach. This whole morning has been spent sporadically praying, looking for a confidence boost from anything with a pulse, any power in the universe.

Since maybe the end of 2011. Everything new makes me extremely nervous. I've always been a bit nervous and very shy, but this is a new feeling. I always feel sometimes I run my mouth too quickly, thus my dreams runs away with it. I know it's weird, but I can't be the only person who feels this. Maybe someone else does a little? Maybe you? Who knows. In 2012, I tried to be a bit more reserved. Some things I just couldn't be reserved about like, finding out our next move. But after I made the big post on Facebook, I deleted it the very next day. I got worried because I wanted it sooooooo much for so many years, I think it will, too, perish like other big events that I've hoped to happen and that's never come to light over the years. So I keep quiet about it, rarely talk about it, hoping others would forget. There is a lot that must be accomplished and I am of course a big worrywart about everything.

Today, I am just discussing a smaller transition. The transition into a new semester of college. Everyone who I share my worries says, "no worries, you got it" and I appreciate it so much. But I still haven't found that confidence within myself. I am in my Junior year and I know things will get harder from herein and I am worried about juggling a family, planning our last bits of travel in Europe, and all the preparations that comes with moving to another overseas location. It's so much and I don't want to sacrifice anything, although I know I will. But all of these are important to my mental well being. We did plan some trips, but decided on easier trips, we are in the midst of getting everything together for our move quite slowly, but the pace will hasten in the coming months. I haven't even factored in my husband's work and his work trips. I am a nervous wreck. That month off from school I realized that I really, really enjoy being a stay-at-home mother. I love spending time with the kids, cleaning, cooking beautiful meals throughout the week. But with things in life you want really badly like a degree for me so I can help my husband support the family after he retires (soon!). I just realize more and more that taking the easy route will keep me at a plateau and I have to make a big effort to work out a plan where I can juggle everything.  I may not be cooking everyday, jet-setting every month, have the cleanest house on the block. But I hope to be able to indulge in some little pleasures, while working damn hard to accomplish my goals. 

My college semesters are broken down into 2 sessions. Each session is 8 weeks long. So a 16 week curriculum is condensed into 8 weeks. So everything is fast paced and a bit of a adrenaline rush. The last session of the Fall semester, I thought I chose a class I believed to be difficult and a class that I believed would be kind of easy to get through. I thought WRONG. Both classes were a challenge and I was constantly doing school work. I worked even harder because we planned a 6 day getaway. I didn't want to get behind. Though that 6 day getaway was refreshing, I had a lot of work to catch-up with when I got home because I didn't want to look at ANY school work that whole time we were away. So it took me a couple weeks to get on top of things only dive into finals, final projects etc. So I was chin-deep in school work until the session was over. We planned a winter weekend getaway months ago thinking the semester would be over on the last day of class, but I still had a final project due the Monday after the last class. I was so exhausted when that semester was over and then after the semester was over, we took another trip and we had to dive into all the Christmas festivities. I was exhausted and I am in so much fear that this will happen again. I am happy I had such a difficult session so I can learn from my mistakes and try to be prepared for something similar happening throughout my college career. 

This semester I am taking a Digital Media class and Statistics. I've been worried about it since I found out that it was a required class for my degree. So it is definitely a class I want over with and done especially with my previous math class fresh in my mind. The Digital Media class is an upper-level class so of course I am worried and want to do my best. Mid semester I am taking a seminar class. So I have three classes this semester. I am a wreck, but I really hope I come out it alive at least.

My 3 Learn So Differently

I've learned the hard way that learning is not a race! All children are created/learn differently.

My 3 children learn so differently. My daughter needs a lot of explanation and time, my oldest learns by doing after practicing a few times it seems to be committed to his memory, my youngest learn independently, meaning he wants no help 90% of the time.

This week I was working with my daughter and son with alphabet and vocabulary. My youngest learned his ABCs (with no help from me, but with the Super Why App). He is really adamant about learning on his own with no help. Something I hope will change once he's in school. After watching his sister learn A-H he was really adamant about doing "homework" too. We gave him worksheets and he did them all perfectly! I was so impressed and proud. We had some worries about his speech development but since he's the baby of the family, everyone does everything for him including talk. Recently he's been talking a lot and a little more clear. We are making sure everyone in the house, especially his brother and sister doesn't speak baby talk to him so he can use his words. If he uses grunts or sounds the object he wants makes when asking for something we will correct him and ask him to use his words. We are very proud of his progress and continue to read and have him explain what happened in the story to help him talk. Not to have him speak like a child genius but to use communication more effectively. We are so proud that he knows how to spell his name now!


Working with my daughter was way different than my oldest. I have a lot more going on now and she needs a lot of time. Patience, smiles and plastic smiles is what helps her I've learned lol. She has shown so much progress, confidence, and eagerness to learn I feel like my, no, our hard work is paying off.

Lower case 'h's were a bit challenging but she got it with practice

So any parents out there, don't pressure. Your kids will let you know when they are ready and take it patiently from there. Some kids start before others, but don't let that bring you down. Once kids catch on, they won't let go.

Noodle Ramblings

My first pasta machine I had to give it away because I could not hook it up to anything after we bought a new dining room table...I made some pretty great pasta/noodles with this baby.




How I've had to dry pasta noodles lol

I love love love love looooooove to make handmade pasta. I remember the first time I saw a homemade pasta recipe in my Taste of Home magazine and just took off and tried the recipe immediately. I watched a few videos about how to make pasta and went to work. No machine, no fancy attachment, just my hands. I used the recipe for a simple pesto recipe and it tasted ok. It had a doughy flavor that I didn't care much for but I was certainly proud of the effort.



Later on the next couple tries I've made pasta, it still tasted a bit doughy, but less and less. I never gave up on it I was obsessed with making my pasta taste perfect. From all my attempts, I learned something and each time it tasted better. I made homemade ravioli and it made sure I rolled the dough almost paper thin. Whilst the dough definitely didn't taste doughy, some raviolis nearly disintegrated once they hit the boiling pot.

Brown Butter Hokkaido Squash Ravioli

 I finally figured it out- don't make the dough too thin or too thick- which I will explain in a later post. I also was on a quest to find double zero flour, though all-purpose flour is fine, double zero is what the nonnas use and I am a grandma in a young woman's body :-) . I also found a few staple recipes from Thomas Keller, Emeril Lagasse, and Michael Ruhlman and even recipes I've concoted from experience. In fact I think I made a pretty darn amazing Whole Wheat Noodles recipe tonight which I am excited to share hopefully in the near future. I used the noodles for the BEST chicken soup recipe ever, Fine Cooking Magazine's Lemon-Ginger Chicken Soup (I added noodles as the original recipe in the magazine has noodles in the recipe)

Recipe here: http://www.finecooking.com/recipes/asian-style-ginger-chicken-soup.aspx

Making Pasta/Noodles is such a fun relaxing activity for me. My kids love to join in my daughter loves working with dough and my son loves to eat raw dough


Baby boy cranking out pasta sheets



Mt Tagliatelle


For Christmas, my husband bought me a pasta attachment for my mixer and it really brought a great light into me. I hadn't made handmade pasta in over a year. I kind of stopped eating noodles as much since then, because homemade is always the best to me. Though again, it's not necessary. If you don't want to go through the trouble don't. But if you're like me and is obsessed with perfecting your "craft" then go on. Tell me about it in the comments below if you'd like. If we ever get a sunny day in Germany I will definitely share some recipes I've tried because I've been cooking like crazy, but I don't have any fancy lighting equipment so my food looks really good. But shoot if I have to, I will use my camera phone for the photography for my blog, no blog critics care about my blog and I don't care if they do. So let me know if you'd like to see a recipe in the future. I'd love to give a shout out to Linda Nicholson of Salty Seattle (www.saltyseattle.com)  for helping light my pasta/noodle fire. I bought Thomas Keller's book because of her. She buys the best ingredients, cooks everything from scratch, beautifully, artistically, and scrumptiously. So cool to have her and many other bloggers in the food blogging world to inspire me!

Mama's So Thankful Ramblings

Today I intended on waking up and starting cookies so I'd have a recipe to blog. Well, I woke up and started other things, like lollygagging on Pinterest, playing with the kiddos, and checking FB of course then I started the cookies. So instead of making the cookies on my own, I decided to bake them with my beautiful Curly Sous Chef. She is always a hoot in the kitchen and knows her way quite well around our  little space.

But as we were baking and chatting I decided not to make a recipe post. But rather a post on why I am thankful for everyday. This will not be long because it doesn't take the a lot to be thankful. I am thankful that my daughter wants to be a good influence on kids her age to get into the kitchen. She said today while rolling the cookie dough into balls, 

"When the kids see dis dey gonna be like, 'oh ma gah she cook, i wanna cook too!' I wish y'all could hear her. She is a character. She's everything I wish I had the courage to be. She's outwardly thoughtful, silly, hilarious, and just a kind curious little 5 year-old with a memory of a 97 year-old. The girl can't remember her age to save her life, already taking on a trait some women seem to  inherit once they're on the brink a new decade of life from 30 on ;-) But as I am not lying 6 feet or burning to ashes, I can be that way now. Who cares if I am 29 years old ;-)

Today my daughter and I brought the cookies and tea upstairs to her bedroom and we played tea parties our way. LOTS of drama! Ken is brokenhearted because Barbie is in love with Eric. Eric is being chased by the mermaid triplets lol it's crazy and fun. Barbie Dreamhouse Jerry Springer style. The laughs and jokes we shared, nearly spraying tea from our noses will remain ingrained in our minds! LOL

She did a pretty good job recipe here: http://www.shemakesandbakes.com/1/post/2012/11/cinnamon-chip-snickerdoodles.html

These genuine smiles

I am one cheesy lady so it fills me with joy to see my babies smile and to see them, too, reflect. There is a lot to look forward to this year and some things we're not looking forward to. But whatever happens I hope we are in the greatest of spirits, enjoying every moment we can. If things don't always go well, then try to make a negative experience into a positive one. It's pretty simple, but a lot of people find it challenging. If you're on any kind of social network, you know what I mean. 

Hope you all are making the most of your day! SMILE :-) 

Laughing at the memories (my crazy faces)

January 1st, 2013 with Mama

I am trying to use my blog a lot more. So excuse me if there is a lot of randomness. I will really try hard to post some recipes here soon. I plan on baking a lot this week. Especially as my oldest has the week off this week!! This means more cooking and baking with the little ones, more half naked kids running around, sleeping in, playground visits, riding the streetcar around town, cuddling, and most of all driving my husband bonkers.

Today we celebrated big and loud with the exception of my lil man. He hates loud. But we like to scream as loudly as possible around the house after the "ball drops" to rid the house of any evil negative energy. 

Here are some photos from today and some 40 minutes prior to 1st

I dusted (wanted a clean start)

We celebrated with balloons.

With champagne and "champagne" for the little ones.

\

Even Candy Cane shot glasses (full of orange juice)

I baked cookies on New years Eve

I made our traditional doughnut breakfast

Cooked a good meal- Ribs with homemade asian bbq sauce, braised cabbage. and black eyed pea salad mm mmm mmmmm. and some wine ;-)

played barbies. they play with one another anyway they can 

Watch the kids get along in 10 minute spurts.

What a great day. I hope to end everyday reflecting on all the positive and learning from what didn't go well. Lately, more than ever, it's important to me to focus on what's happening right now. Sure I have preparations to make, but I will not let it consume me and distract me from what's going on now.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 1st of January. Hope this year is a great one for you all!!!!