My worries.....

I sit here at this computer. "Butterflies" are break dancing in my stomach. This whole morning has been spent sporadically praying, looking for a confidence boost from anything with a pulse, any power in the universe.

Since maybe the end of 2011. Everything new makes me extremely nervous. I've always been a bit nervous and very shy, but this is a new feeling. I always feel sometimes I run my mouth too quickly, thus my dreams runs away with it. I know it's weird, but I can't be the only person who feels this. Maybe someone else does a little? Maybe you? Who knows. In 2012, I tried to be a bit more reserved. Some things I just couldn't be reserved about like, finding out our next move. But after I made the big post on Facebook, I deleted it the very next day. I got worried because I wanted it sooooooo much for so many years, I think it will, too, perish like other big events that I've hoped to happen and that's never come to light over the years. So I keep quiet about it, rarely talk about it, hoping others would forget. There is a lot that must be accomplished and I am of course a big worrywart about everything.

Today, I am just discussing a smaller transition. The transition into a new semester of college. Everyone who I share my worries says, "no worries, you got it" and I appreciate it so much. But I still haven't found that confidence within myself. I am in my Junior year and I know things will get harder from herein and I am worried about juggling a family, planning our last bits of travel in Europe, and all the preparations that comes with moving to another overseas location. It's so much and I don't want to sacrifice anything, although I know I will. But all of these are important to my mental well being. We did plan some trips, but decided on easier trips, we are in the midst of getting everything together for our move quite slowly, but the pace will hasten in the coming months. I haven't even factored in my husband's work and his work trips. I am a nervous wreck. That month off from school I realized that I really, really enjoy being a stay-at-home mother. I love spending time with the kids, cleaning, cooking beautiful meals throughout the week. But with things in life you want really badly like a degree for me so I can help my husband support the family after he retires (soon!). I just realize more and more that taking the easy route will keep me at a plateau and I have to make a big effort to work out a plan where I can juggle everything.  I may not be cooking everyday, jet-setting every month, have the cleanest house on the block. But I hope to be able to indulge in some little pleasures, while working damn hard to accomplish my goals. 

My college semesters are broken down into 2 sessions. Each session is 8 weeks long. So a 16 week curriculum is condensed into 8 weeks. So everything is fast paced and a bit of a adrenaline rush. The last session of the Fall semester, I thought I chose a class I believed to be difficult and a class that I believed would be kind of easy to get through. I thought WRONG. Both classes were a challenge and I was constantly doing school work. I worked even harder because we planned a 6 day getaway. I didn't want to get behind. Though that 6 day getaway was refreshing, I had a lot of work to catch-up with when I got home because I didn't want to look at ANY school work that whole time we were away. So it took me a couple weeks to get on top of things only dive into finals, final projects etc. So I was chin-deep in school work until the session was over. We planned a winter weekend getaway months ago thinking the semester would be over on the last day of class, but I still had a final project due the Monday after the last class. I was so exhausted when that semester was over and then after the semester was over, we took another trip and we had to dive into all the Christmas festivities. I was exhausted and I am in so much fear that this will happen again. I am happy I had such a difficult session so I can learn from my mistakes and try to be prepared for something similar happening throughout my college career. 

This semester I am taking a Digital Media class and Statistics. I've been worried about it since I found out that it was a required class for my degree. So it is definitely a class I want over with and done especially with my previous math class fresh in my mind. The Digital Media class is an upper-level class so of course I am worried and want to do my best. Mid semester I am taking a seminar class. So I have three classes this semester. I am a wreck, but I really hope I come out it alive at least.