Some of you who's known me for at least 13 years know that my relationship with my father wasn't hunkey dory from the ages of 18-27. There was so much anger in that time. Abuse, loss of respect, and lots of anger. The last two from me. To me he was in so much denial of what went on in our household it frustrated me to no end.
Then my brother passed away. And my anger was at its height. I went back to the states with a major attitude. With everyone. My mother, father, brother, everyone. I wanted to know answers. I wanted a fucking apology, I just wanted people to own their shit. What is so hard about that? My father and I argued a lot. I found a new inner strength that was fearless that was once fear. I surprised many. But I felt like I was doing it for my brother. So I somehow found strength through him and was balls to wall. My parents weren't happy with me, but you know what? I got what I wanted. We all understood where the other was coming from. And from that we became really close through telephone conversations. We spoke frequently, civilly, and respectfully. The same love I had for my parents as child was rekindled and some. I planned to go to America to see my parents in May as we're in transient to our new home. And thought it will all be ok. Until, I received a couple Facebook messages....
When you see urgent messages living overseas, it makes you not want to even touch a phone. But I saw my mother called in the middle of the night and was only comfortable talking to her. And received the horrifying news that my dad was gone. Suddenly. Why so sudden? I don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I'm just happy he died knowing that I loved him with all my might. He wasn't perfect, what parent is????? But he was my daddy and I love him. I'm trying to stay focused on school. Last night I went to class and was sad the first half and the second half i put so much focus into my work that I forgot for a good 45 minutes.
Ok, on to the anger. My dad was always a loving very giving man. He also had a lot of anger and paranoia. He lost everything. His home, his wife, his children was all over the world. So of course he was depressed. His family took him, every time I spoke to him, he was somewhere new....and with that he didn't trust anyone. He just wanted his kids. But we were spread all over. Me in Germany, my brother in England, and my youngest brother in NC, SC, and Iraq. He so longed for his family to come back and that way he'd feel normal again. The way things were. But no one had the patience for him nor he had the patience for him. He always meant well with all his intentions. They used his past errors against him and he just wanted to face the world alone. I wish somehow he could have stayed with me. I am going home and I am feeling angry. Angry at everyone. Not my mother or brother, but everyone else. He often expressed his distrust for family, and I never understood until a couple months after leaving the states. Now I understand, you don't have to like your family, but you do love them, and he felt that way. No need for me to force him because that just made him angrier. So I learned to leave it alone. I just wish now he's at peace. He and my younger brother were often at odds and I really hope they settled it all and are at peace with one another.
I am trying fight anger myself. Because I don't want to be angry my whole stay again. I just want to be a positive light for my mother. My youngest is coming with me. He's a mix of my brother and my father so my mom should have fun with that lol. I hope America is ready for him.
Thanks for reading.